Barack Obama's approval is fluctuating in the mid 40's and clearly it is time for an overhaul of his administration, or at least his public persona. Lets face it, Tiger Woods is more popular with Elin than Obama is with the American public Since the Secret Service refuses to allow the president to utilize his Blackberry for greater information than Joe Biden texting him with the question, "What up, Dog?", Obama has some time on his hands. I suggest, as his new Public Relations Director, that he plop down in front of the TV in the Oval Office and switch on Seinfeld.
Hear me out on this. If you are the President and your approval ratings are low, then what better to get into the hearts of people than to start referencing the best show in TV history as voted by TV Guide? As the Director of Presidential PR I suggest the following;
1 - Get Obama in a puffy shirt as soon as possible. Can you picture Barack sitting down for his State of the Union address in this attire? Oh sure, people would mock him, but once they picked themselves up off the floor they would be climbing over each other as they hit every boutique on the eastern seaboard in search of the pirate look. Talk about an economic stimulus. Forget bailing out Goldman Sachs, just start dressing up like Blackbeard.
2 - Insert ''yadda, yadda, yadda'' into as many presidential addresses as possible. Obama could start the State of the Union in the usual way, "My fellow Americans, tonight we need to discuss how to turn around this soon to be Marxist nation, yadda, yadda, yadda. God bless America." This strategy would may backfire as it would give Limbaugh and Hannity enough material to get to the year 2065.
3- Only serve candy bars for dessert at State Dinners, and ALWAYS use a knife and fork when devouring them. The downside to this would be when Oriental heads of state were in town and the White House would only include chopsticks with the meal.
4- Continually accuse any republican of Doubling Dipping at the chip bowl in the Senators lounge on Capital Hill. Always good for a chuckle.
5- If Barack really wants to get a laugh, he needs to shout "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" whenever someone asks for seconds at dinner. (Note to self...do not advise this when the President is serving at a soup kitchen at Thanksgiving.)
6 - Obama needs to publicly proclaim that he hates ANYONE who had a pony while they were growing up. The American people would back him up on this, nobody likes a kid with a pony and besides, studies show that only Republican kids had horses when they were youngsters.
7- Finally, the President needs to offer everyone he meets a Jr. Mint. After all, who doesn't like a Jr. Mint? They're chocolate, they're minty, they're delicious.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Al Qaeda and Reality TV
I have long suspected that I lived in a hotbed of terrorist activity and at long last my gut-instinct has come to light. Just a few miles down the road authorities busted down the door and seized suspected terrorist Khurram Sher, or to be more specific Dr. Khurram Sher.
Dr. Sher is a 28 year old, married father of three who has a great bedside manner, that is, unless you are an American, in which case you would be best served to reject any medication he prescribes. Now we Canadians shouldn't be surprised that there are terrorist doctors running around the country...after all, Dr Henry Morgentaler has been terrorizing unborn children for decades. And we gave this guy the Order of Canada, which is normally reserved for hockey players and anyone else not in the business of murder. South of the border there was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who terrorized the elderly........and lame dogs. Although they did send him to prison and withheld his medal. And lets not forgot Dr. Seuss, this guy terrorized my English papers for years. Oh how I wish I had never used "sneedle" and "humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer" in my master's dissertation. Curse that Dr. Seuss.
I digress and I apologize.
Getting back to Dr. Sher, the alleged terrorist. Currently authorities have not released what his target for terrorism was, although we do know what his original plan was. Evidently he auditioned for Canadian Idol (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/yahoocanada/100826/canada/ex__canadian_idol__contestant_detained_on_terrorism_charges) with the hopes of blowing up the shows host Ben Mulroney. For my American readers, Ben Mulroney is just like Ryan Seacreast, only taller and more annoying. , if that is possible. But it was not to be as Dr. Sher was ushered out of the audition after it was discovered he had a box cutter, a bomb in his shoe and a really bad moonwalk.
I was surprised to discover that this isn't the first time that terrorists have made run for a television spot. In my research for this blog I found out that Osama bin Laden, and I'm not making this up, once auditioned for Jeopardy in the late 80's. bin Laden would have made it to the show but he constantly refused to answer in the form of a question, which angered Alex Trebek who wouldn't let Osama advance. And lets not forgot the late Bobby Sands who is famous for his days in the IRA. He appeared, and I swear this is true, on The Price Is Right in the 70's and promptly got into a fist fight with Bob Barker because he refused to have his dog neutered.
So Dr. Sher, your dreams of being on Idol have been dashed and your aspirations to blow up something American are now as promising as your ability to practice medicine but don't worry, someone will take your place. And I, Jeff Hicks, predict the next great terrorist will come from Iraq. After all, as Bobby Sands once said, Iraq is simply IRA with a Q on it.
Dr. Sher is a 28 year old, married father of three who has a great bedside manner, that is, unless you are an American, in which case you would be best served to reject any medication he prescribes. Now we Canadians shouldn't be surprised that there are terrorist doctors running around the country...after all, Dr Henry Morgentaler has been terrorizing unborn children for decades. And we gave this guy the Order of Canada, which is normally reserved for hockey players and anyone else not in the business of murder. South of the border there was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who terrorized the elderly........and lame dogs. Although they did send him to prison and withheld his medal. And lets not forgot Dr. Seuss, this guy terrorized my English papers for years. Oh how I wish I had never used "sneedle" and "humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer" in my master's dissertation. Curse that Dr. Seuss.
I digress and I apologize.
Getting back to Dr. Sher, the alleged terrorist. Currently authorities have not released what his target for terrorism was, although we do know what his original plan was. Evidently he auditioned for Canadian Idol (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/yahoocanada/100826/canada/ex__canadian_idol__contestant_detained_on_terrorism_charges) with the hopes of blowing up the shows host Ben Mulroney. For my American readers, Ben Mulroney is just like Ryan Seacreast, only taller and more annoying. , if that is possible. But it was not to be as Dr. Sher was ushered out of the audition after it was discovered he had a box cutter, a bomb in his shoe and a really bad moonwalk.
I was surprised to discover that this isn't the first time that terrorists have made run for a television spot. In my research for this blog I found out that Osama bin Laden, and I'm not making this up, once auditioned for Jeopardy in the late 80's. bin Laden would have made it to the show but he constantly refused to answer in the form of a question, which angered Alex Trebek who wouldn't let Osama advance. And lets not forgot the late Bobby Sands who is famous for his days in the IRA. He appeared, and I swear this is true, on The Price Is Right in the 70's and promptly got into a fist fight with Bob Barker because he refused to have his dog neutered.
So Dr. Sher, your dreams of being on Idol have been dashed and your aspirations to blow up something American are now as promising as your ability to practice medicine but don't worry, someone will take your place. And I, Jeff Hicks, predict the next great terrorist will come from Iraq. After all, as Bobby Sands once said, Iraq is simply IRA with a Q on it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Why Hillary Wanted Security At Chelsea's Wedding
I was left off the guest list for Chelsea Clinton's wedding...not that I was expecting one as I wasn't invited to her graduation either. And I'm in good company as both Barack Obama and Oprah were overlooked as well. Seriously Oprah was left out in the cold, she is only the second greatest liberal out there...behind George Clooney of course. So Oprah, Obama and I have something in common, although that is where the similarities end.
Curiosity got the better of me as I read about this wedding, for I am the father of five daughters and someday I will be in same position as Bill Clinton having to pay for his little girl's big day. So I did a little digging into the cost of the wedding and was overwhelmed quicker than a 30-something housewife at the latest Twilight theatrical release. The reported dollar amount for this wedding rises quicker than a Dalton McGuinty budget report...the latest figure is topping $5 million for Chelsea and Marc (was that who she married?) to say their "I do's" to each other.
You can't be serious? $5 million dollars! If I were to try and keep up with the Clintons, then I'm talking $25 million for my 5 girls, although that figure would be higher as inflation kicks in between daughters 1 - 5. I guess its time to cash out my retirement savings and invest in lottery tickets. If that doesn't work, and I don't know why it wouldn't, then I suppose ladders are cheap and we only live two hours from Niagara Falls. Hey, its closer than Vegas!
When one breaks down the wedding costs from the $600,000 tents to the $15,000 port-a-potty to the $150 per printed invitation, one can see that no detail was overlooked. Its reported that Hillary wanted to spend $200,000 on security at the wedding, and that was to just Bill away from the bridesmaids. It all adds up and its a day that is quickly approaching my family.
So I say to my little girls, you will have a beautiful wedding someday, just not Chelsea Clinton's wedding. And don't worry, Bill won't be invited so all the bridesmaids will be safe.
Curiosity got the better of me as I read about this wedding, for I am the father of five daughters and someday I will be in same position as Bill Clinton having to pay for his little girl's big day. So I did a little digging into the cost of the wedding and was overwhelmed quicker than a 30-something housewife at the latest Twilight theatrical release. The reported dollar amount for this wedding rises quicker than a Dalton McGuinty budget report...the latest figure is topping $5 million for Chelsea and Marc (was that who she married?) to say their "I do's" to each other.
You can't be serious? $5 million dollars! If I were to try and keep up with the Clintons, then I'm talking $25 million for my 5 girls, although that figure would be higher as inflation kicks in between daughters 1 - 5. I guess its time to cash out my retirement savings and invest in lottery tickets. If that doesn't work, and I don't know why it wouldn't, then I suppose ladders are cheap and we only live two hours from Niagara Falls. Hey, its closer than Vegas!
When one breaks down the wedding costs from the $600,000 tents to the $15,000 port-a-potty to the $150 per printed invitation, one can see that no detail was overlooked. Its reported that Hillary wanted to spend $200,000 on security at the wedding, and that was to just Bill away from the bridesmaids. It all adds up and its a day that is quickly approaching my family.
So I say to my little girls, you will have a beautiful wedding someday, just not Chelsea Clinton's wedding. And don't worry, Bill won't be invited so all the bridesmaids will be safe.
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