Al Qaeda and Reality TV

I have long suspected that I lived in a hotbed of terrorist activity and at long last my gut-instinct has come to light. Just a few miles down the road authorities busted down the door and seized suspected terrorist Khurram Sher, or to be more specific Dr. Khurram Sher.

Dr. Sher is a 28 year old, married father of three who has a great bedside manner, that is, unless you are an American, in which case you would be best served to reject any medication he prescribes. Now we Canadians shouldn't be surprised that there are terrorist doctors running around the country...after all, Dr Henry Morgentaler has been terrorizing unborn children for decades. And we gave this guy the Order of Canada, which is normally reserved for hockey players and anyone else not in the business of murder. South of the border there was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who terrorized the elderly........and lame dogs. Although they did send him to prison and withheld his medal. And lets not forgot Dr. Seuss, this guy terrorized my English papers for years. Oh how I wish I had never used "sneedle" and "humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer" in my master's dissertation. Curse that Dr. Seuss.

I digress and I apologize.

Getting back to Dr. Sher, the alleged terrorist. Currently authorities have not released what his target for terrorism was, although we do know what his original plan was. Evidently he auditioned for Canadian Idol (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/yahoocanada/100826/canada/ex__canadian_idol__contestant_detained_on_terrorism_charges) with the hopes of blowing up the shows host Ben Mulroney. For my American readers, Ben Mulroney is just like Ryan Seacreast, only taller and more annoying. , if that is possible. But it was not to be as Dr. Sher was ushered out of the audition after it was discovered he had a box cutter, a bomb in his shoe and a really bad moonwalk.

I was surprised to discover that this isn't the first time that terrorists have made run for a television spot. In my research for this blog I found out that Osama bin Laden, and I'm not making this up, once auditioned for Jeopardy in the late 80's. bin Laden would have made it to the show but he constantly refused to answer in the form of a question, which angered Alex Trebek who wouldn't let Osama advance. And lets not forgot the late Bobby Sands who is famous for his days in the IRA. He appeared, and I swear this is true, on The Price Is Right in the 70's and promptly got into a fist fight with Bob Barker because he refused to have his dog neutered.

So Dr. Sher, your dreams of being on Idol have been dashed and your aspirations to blow up something American are now as promising as your ability to practice medicine but don't  worry, someone will take your place. And I, Jeff Hicks, predict the next great terrorist will come from Iraq. After all, as Bobby Sands once said, Iraq is simply IRA with a Q on it.

Why Hillary Wanted Security At Chelsea's Wedding

I was left off the guest list for Chelsea Clinton's wedding...not that I was expecting one as I wasn't invited to her graduation either. And I'm in good company as both Barack Obama and Oprah were overlooked as well. Seriously Oprah was left out in the cold, she is only the second greatest liberal out there...behind George Clooney of course. So Oprah, Obama and I have something in common, although that is where the similarities end.

Curiosity got the better of me as I read about this wedding, for I am the father of five daughters and someday I will be in same position as Bill Clinton having to pay for his little girl's big day. So I did a little digging into the cost of the wedding and was overwhelmed quicker than a 30-something housewife at the latest Twilight theatrical release. The reported dollar amount for this wedding rises quicker than a Dalton McGuinty budget report...the latest figure is topping $5 million for Chelsea and Marc (was that who she married?) to say their "I do's" to each other.

You can't be serious? $5 million dollars! If I were to try and keep up with the Clintons, then I'm talking $25  million for my 5 girls, although that figure would be higher as inflation kicks in between daughters 1 - 5. I guess its time to cash out my retirement savings and invest in lottery tickets. If that doesn't work, and I don't know why it wouldn't, then I suppose ladders are cheap and we only live two hours from Niagara Falls. Hey, its closer than Vegas!

When one breaks down the wedding costs from the $600,000 tents to the $15,000 port-a-potty to the $150 per printed invitation, one can see that no detail was overlooked. Its reported that Hillary wanted to spend $200,000 on security at the wedding, and that was to just Bill away from the bridesmaids.  It all adds up and its a day that is quickly approaching my family.

So I say to my little girls, you will have a beautiful wedding someday, just not Chelsea Clinton's wedding. And don't worry, Bill won't be invited so all the bridesmaids will be safe.