Along with Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA", one of the top selling albums of my high school career was "Brothers In Arms" from Dire Straits. In fact the song Money For Nothing on that album was one of the videos that was a catalyst in making MTV the giant that it is today. (Although by today's standards, the video can be compared to a monkey picking his nose or better yet, or Wisconsin democrats hiding out in neighbouring states.)
Imagine how heartbroken I was to hear that the CRTC (which stands for Constantly Restricting Those Canadians) has banned Money For Nothing, thus robbing me of the joy of listening to the song on the radio and reliving the glory days of high school? You remember high school...getting stuffed in lockers, being laughed at for singing and dancing like Boy George...ahh, high school was the best seven years of my life.
ONE word keeps this song off the radio, a word that someone in Newfoundland, or maybe it was Labrador, called in and thought someone of a homosexual orientation may take offense to this word. Now, I am not in any way speaking for or against this word (if you feel you must email me with a compliant over this, well I can be reached at Barack.Obama@OvalOffice.gov )...I am just saying that if we are taking possible hurtful songs off the airwaves, then I am about to take offense at a long list of songs.
How about The Bangles Walk Like An Egyptian? Do those folks of Egyptian heritage take offense at the Bangles mocking their ability to walk? Ah the questions that plague humanity. To be frank, this dilemma kept me up at night so I called my friend who lives in Illinois (yes, the very one who immigrated from Egypt.) I asked him if he took exception to this song, and if so, should it be forever removed from radio play lists? After much pondering, he replied that he in no way, shape or form was offended by this song. What if he were restricted to a wheelchair, I asked? Without hesitation, he said he would be deeply hurt and desires The Bangles and the radio DJ to be entombed in the closest pyramid. I THOUGHT SO!
Next on my offensive list of songs, Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks. Now I'm not hurt by this song because I am one to protect wife-beaters (my personal opinion is that wife-beaters need to go one-on-one with Chuck Liddell...for eternity) but because my middle name is EARL! That's right and to be associated with a wife-beater...well lets just say I would rather be called a liberal (on either side of the border.) And I will call the next country music radio station and complain the next time I hear this song...of course that is assuming some Nazi kidnaps me, locks me in a room and constantly plays country music, causing me to wish for a fast death.
My hope is that once I lodge a complaint with the CRTC regarding Goodbye Earl, that the good folks on this team will not only ban the song and the Dixie Chicks, but in fact ban the country music industry. Ahhh, dare to dream!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
How Did You Celebrate Reagan's 100th?
Just last week both Americans and Canadians (and by Canadians, I mean me...and most likely, only me) paused to wish President Ronald Reagan Happy 100th Birthday. Of course The Gipper wasn't at the party due to his stubborn insistence that birthday parties are only for the living. Reagan, also known as The Great Communicator, The Teflon President, Dutch and Chocolate Thunder, is by far my favourite Republican president, mostly due to the fact that we both married sweet ladies named Nancy. (Side note here...Bill Clinton is my favourite Democrat president, but only because he is the punch line to some great jokes.)
As folks are celebrating the memories of Reagan and the century mark, I have been inspired to do a countdown of 100 great happenings in my lifetime. Leading off of course is...
100 - Ronald Reagan, my aforementioned favourite Republican..ah gosh, he is my all-time fav...he is the G.O.A.T.! Not only did the guy turn the economy around, he really like jelly beans.
99 - For Wayne Gretzky, whom I shouted "You'll never be nuthin' " at when he was a sixteen year forward for the Soo Greyhounds. Who knew? I also shouted the same thing at Tiger Woods, Bill Gates and Dalton McGuinty. Hey, 1 out of 4 ain''t bad.
98 - Was the year that my favourite DDemocrat president, Slick Willie Clinton, was impeached. It was a proud moment (to my editor, please insert Clinton punch line here)
97 - France won the World Cup of soccer...oh wait, I don't care about guys in silk shorts.
96 - Lets see...9 - 6 =3, yes lets skip to 3 because coming up with 100 greatest items is tough when you are getting old and the C.R.T.C. is limiting my Internet usage. (To my American readers the CRTC stands for CONSTANTLY RESTRICTING THOSE CANADIANS)
3 - Is the number of IRS and Revenue Canada audits...those are fun times and I must say, enjoyable people!
2 - Two guys walked on the moon in 1969... you know, Neil and that guy on Dancing With The Stars.
1 - One great family that consists of my best friend Nancy and 5, yes five daughters...Cassidy 17, Sidney 14, Sophie 11, Christy 3 and Avery 1. Happy Valentine's Day to my gals...Love The Old Man.
As folks are celebrating the memories of Reagan and the century mark, I have been inspired to do a countdown of 100 great happenings in my lifetime. Leading off of course is...
100 - Ronald Reagan, my aforementioned favourite Republican..ah gosh, he is my all-time fav...he is the G.O.A.T.! Not only did the guy turn the economy around, he really like jelly beans.
99 - For Wayne Gretzky, whom I shouted "You'll never be nuthin' " at when he was a sixteen year forward for the Soo Greyhounds. Who knew? I also shouted the same thing at Tiger Woods, Bill Gates and Dalton McGuinty. Hey, 1 out of 4 ain''t bad.
98 - Was the year that my favourite DDemocrat president, Slick Willie Clinton, was impeached. It was a proud moment (to my editor, please insert Clinton punch line here)
97 - France won the World Cup of soccer...oh wait, I don't care about guys in silk shorts.
96 - Lets see...9 - 6 =3, yes lets skip to 3 because coming up with 100 greatest items is tough when you are getting old and the C.R.T.C. is limiting my Internet usage. (To my American readers the CRTC stands for CONSTANTLY RESTRICTING THOSE CANADIANS)
3 - Is the number of IRS and Revenue Canada audits...those are fun times and I must say, enjoyable people!
2 - Two guys walked on the moon in 1969... you know, Neil and that guy on Dancing With The Stars.
1 - One great family that consists of my best friend Nancy and 5, yes five daughters...Cassidy 17, Sidney 14, Sophie 11, Christy 3 and Avery 1. Happy Valentine's Day to my gals...Love The Old Man.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The (Grand)Mother Of All Mercenaries
Finally! A crime-fighter has burst upon the scene who can take down six guys at once AND make a mean potato salad, all the while remaining humble and shying away from the public spotlight (no doubt to conceal her identity as she refuses to wear a mask.)
In case you missed it yesterday, a 70-something year old British woman charged across the street and took on six helmet-wearing, hammer-yielding, motorcycle-riding thugs who were breaking into jewellery store in broad daylight…in front of other pedestrians…while being video recorded by a film crew making a documentary across the street.
(http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/super-granny-thwarts-robbery-12872361)
As I watch the video of this senior citizen in action, I can’t help but think of the following questions; 1- What exactly is in that purse that she is swinging around? 2- Would she consider renting herself out as a mercenary? Any why not, may I ask, would this woman not be considered for mercenary duty? I have it on good authority that Blackwater has approached her to head up a security team detail in Iraq; in fact Blackwater (and the French Army) have already ordered purses and the proper contents for all soldiers.
Of course, I myself have toyed with the idea of hiring this lady to take on certain dislikes in my life…I would even give her paid time for her 2 o’clock tea. If this lady could take out the following then I would be willing to pay top dollar;
1 - I want Osama caught, it’s been long enough
2 – Chris Matthews of MSNBC, the guy is a lunatic
3 – Country music…not just one song, but the whole industry
But alas, it is not to be. I just heard that both CBS and the BBC have approached this lady pitching TV pilots based on her role in fighting crime. Word is that Betty White was the front runner for the role but she turned it down, fearing she would be typecast for future acting roles…well, that and the fact that if she did her own stunts then her AARP benefits would be in jeopardy.
In case you missed it yesterday, a 70-something year old British woman charged across the street and took on six helmet-wearing, hammer-yielding, motorcycle-riding thugs who were breaking into jewellery store in broad daylight…in front of other pedestrians…while being video recorded by a film crew making a documentary across the street.
(http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/super-granny-thwarts-robbery-12872361)
As I watch the video of this senior citizen in action, I can’t help but think of the following questions; 1- What exactly is in that purse that she is swinging around? 2- Would she consider renting herself out as a mercenary? Any why not, may I ask, would this woman not be considered for mercenary duty? I have it on good authority that Blackwater has approached her to head up a security team detail in Iraq; in fact Blackwater (and the French Army) have already ordered purses and the proper contents for all soldiers.
Of course, I myself have toyed with the idea of hiring this lady to take on certain dislikes in my life…I would even give her paid time for her 2 o’clock tea. If this lady could take out the following then I would be willing to pay top dollar;
1 - I want Osama caught, it’s been long enough
2 – Chris Matthews of MSNBC, the guy is a lunatic
3 – Country music…not just one song, but the whole industry
But alas, it is not to be. I just heard that both CBS and the BBC have approached this lady pitching TV pilots based on her role in fighting crime. Word is that Betty White was the front runner for the role but she turned it down, fearing she would be typecast for future acting roles…well, that and the fact that if she did her own stunts then her AARP benefits would be in jeopardy.
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Day Without A McGuinty Tax Hike Is A Day My Kids Can Eat
*For my American readers, please substitute the name Barack Obama for Dalton McGuinty, and this blog will make sense. These two men are, in essence, the same politician.
That is correct, studies show that when Premier Dalton McGuinty introduces a new tax hike (i.e. HST, eHealth, Hydro Tax, etc.) my kids can’t eat for a while as we scramble to slide more money to the government. In fact, just the other day our 3 year old looks up at me with tears in her eyes and asks if it’s true what her older sisters told her…that we will soon have to eat the cat. I replied that no, we won’t eat the cat…unless the dog gets away from me. It seemed of little consolation to her.
The honest truth is that unless McGuinty grows a spin and starts to say no to certain initiatives in an effort to balance a provincial budget (or at the very least, make an appearance to balance the budget by cutting spending), then I will have to go Amish. And let’s be honest, I can’t do that as I’m not man enough to grow the required beard.
Take health care for instance, in just 15 years this one line item will account for 77% of the provincial budget. Hey supporters of ObamaCare, come to Ontario and see your future. Oh sure, it won’t be pretty for you but we could use your tourism dollars (make sure you stop at the Falls for a viewing before McGuinty sells it to the Chinese and they move it to Beijing.)
I guess I have already moved to an Amish state of mind as we grow our own vegetables, have apple, peach, and cherry trees, grapes and a hive full of angry bees for honey. I bought a horse from a slick salesman on the corner, but who knew that Secretariat was already dead? I knew I should have watched that movie.
The good news in all of this…McGuinty should be run out of office nine months from yesterday…vote early and vote often.
That is correct, studies show that when Premier Dalton McGuinty introduces a new tax hike (i.e. HST, eHealth, Hydro Tax, etc.) my kids can’t eat for a while as we scramble to slide more money to the government. In fact, just the other day our 3 year old looks up at me with tears in her eyes and asks if it’s true what her older sisters told her…that we will soon have to eat the cat. I replied that no, we won’t eat the cat…unless the dog gets away from me. It seemed of little consolation to her.
The honest truth is that unless McGuinty grows a spin and starts to say no to certain initiatives in an effort to balance a provincial budget (or at the very least, make an appearance to balance the budget by cutting spending), then I will have to go Amish. And let’s be honest, I can’t do that as I’m not man enough to grow the required beard.
Take health care for instance, in just 15 years this one line item will account for 77% of the provincial budget. Hey supporters of ObamaCare, come to Ontario and see your future. Oh sure, it won’t be pretty for you but we could use your tourism dollars (make sure you stop at the Falls for a viewing before McGuinty sells it to the Chinese and they move it to Beijing.)
I guess I have already moved to an Amish state of mind as we grow our own vegetables, have apple, peach, and cherry trees, grapes and a hive full of angry bees for honey. I bought a horse from a slick salesman on the corner, but who knew that Secretariat was already dead? I knew I should have watched that movie.
The good news in all of this…McGuinty should be run out of office nine months from yesterday…vote early and vote often.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Obviously Obama Needs To Watch More Seinfeld
Barack Obama's approval is fluctuating in the mid 40's and clearly it is time for an overhaul of his administration, or at least his public persona. Lets face it, Tiger Woods is more popular with Elin than Obama is with the American public Since the Secret Service refuses to allow the president to utilize his Blackberry for greater information than Joe Biden texting him with the question, "What up, Dog?", Obama has some time on his hands. I suggest, as his new Public Relations Director, that he plop down in front of the TV in the Oval Office and switch on Seinfeld.
Hear me out on this. If you are the President and your approval ratings are low, then what better to get into the hearts of people than to start referencing the best show in TV history as voted by TV Guide? As the Director of Presidential PR I suggest the following;
1 - Get Obama in a puffy shirt as soon as possible. Can you picture Barack sitting down for his State of the Union address in this attire? Oh sure, people would mock him, but once they picked themselves up off the floor they would be climbing over each other as they hit every boutique on the eastern seaboard in search of the pirate look. Talk about an economic stimulus. Forget bailing out Goldman Sachs, just start dressing up like Blackbeard.
2 - Insert ''yadda, yadda, yadda'' into as many presidential addresses as possible. Obama could start the State of the Union in the usual way, "My fellow Americans, tonight we need to discuss how to turn around this soon to be Marxist nation, yadda, yadda, yadda. God bless America." This strategy would may backfire as it would give Limbaugh and Hannity enough material to get to the year 2065.
3- Only serve candy bars for dessert at State Dinners, and ALWAYS use a knife and fork when devouring them. The downside to this would be when Oriental heads of state were in town and the White House would only include chopsticks with the meal.
4- Continually accuse any republican of Doubling Dipping at the chip bowl in the Senators lounge on Capital Hill. Always good for a chuckle.
5- If Barack really wants to get a laugh, he needs to shout "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" whenever someone asks for seconds at dinner. (Note to self...do not advise this when the President is serving at a soup kitchen at Thanksgiving.)
6 - Obama needs to publicly proclaim that he hates ANYONE who had a pony while they were growing up. The American people would back him up on this, nobody likes a kid with a pony and besides, studies show that only Republican kids had horses when they were youngsters.
7- Finally, the President needs to offer everyone he meets a Jr. Mint. After all, who doesn't like a Jr. Mint? They're chocolate, they're minty, they're delicious.
Hear me out on this. If you are the President and your approval ratings are low, then what better to get into the hearts of people than to start referencing the best show in TV history as voted by TV Guide? As the Director of Presidential PR I suggest the following;
1 - Get Obama in a puffy shirt as soon as possible. Can you picture Barack sitting down for his State of the Union address in this attire? Oh sure, people would mock him, but once they picked themselves up off the floor they would be climbing over each other as they hit every boutique on the eastern seaboard in search of the pirate look. Talk about an economic stimulus. Forget bailing out Goldman Sachs, just start dressing up like Blackbeard.
2 - Insert ''yadda, yadda, yadda'' into as many presidential addresses as possible. Obama could start the State of the Union in the usual way, "My fellow Americans, tonight we need to discuss how to turn around this soon to be Marxist nation, yadda, yadda, yadda. God bless America." This strategy would may backfire as it would give Limbaugh and Hannity enough material to get to the year 2065.
3- Only serve candy bars for dessert at State Dinners, and ALWAYS use a knife and fork when devouring them. The downside to this would be when Oriental heads of state were in town and the White House would only include chopsticks with the meal.
4- Continually accuse any republican of Doubling Dipping at the chip bowl in the Senators lounge on Capital Hill. Always good for a chuckle.
5- If Barack really wants to get a laugh, he needs to shout "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" whenever someone asks for seconds at dinner. (Note to self...do not advise this when the President is serving at a soup kitchen at Thanksgiving.)
6 - Obama needs to publicly proclaim that he hates ANYONE who had a pony while they were growing up. The American people would back him up on this, nobody likes a kid with a pony and besides, studies show that only Republican kids had horses when they were youngsters.
7- Finally, the President needs to offer everyone he meets a Jr. Mint. After all, who doesn't like a Jr. Mint? They're chocolate, they're minty, they're delicious.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Al Qaeda and Reality TV
I have long suspected that I lived in a hotbed of terrorist activity and at long last my gut-instinct has come to light. Just a few miles down the road authorities busted down the door and seized suspected terrorist Khurram Sher, or to be more specific Dr. Khurram Sher.
Dr. Sher is a 28 year old, married father of three who has a great bedside manner, that is, unless you are an American, in which case you would be best served to reject any medication he prescribes. Now we Canadians shouldn't be surprised that there are terrorist doctors running around the country...after all, Dr Henry Morgentaler has been terrorizing unborn children for decades. And we gave this guy the Order of Canada, which is normally reserved for hockey players and anyone else not in the business of murder. South of the border there was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who terrorized the elderly........and lame dogs. Although they did send him to prison and withheld his medal. And lets not forgot Dr. Seuss, this guy terrorized my English papers for years. Oh how I wish I had never used "sneedle" and "humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer" in my master's dissertation. Curse that Dr. Seuss.
I digress and I apologize.
Getting back to Dr. Sher, the alleged terrorist. Currently authorities have not released what his target for terrorism was, although we do know what his original plan was. Evidently he auditioned for Canadian Idol (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/yahoocanada/100826/canada/ex__canadian_idol__contestant_detained_on_terrorism_charges) with the hopes of blowing up the shows host Ben Mulroney. For my American readers, Ben Mulroney is just like Ryan Seacreast, only taller and more annoying. , if that is possible. But it was not to be as Dr. Sher was ushered out of the audition after it was discovered he had a box cutter, a bomb in his shoe and a really bad moonwalk.
I was surprised to discover that this isn't the first time that terrorists have made run for a television spot. In my research for this blog I found out that Osama bin Laden, and I'm not making this up, once auditioned for Jeopardy in the late 80's. bin Laden would have made it to the show but he constantly refused to answer in the form of a question, which angered Alex Trebek who wouldn't let Osama advance. And lets not forgot the late Bobby Sands who is famous for his days in the IRA. He appeared, and I swear this is true, on The Price Is Right in the 70's and promptly got into a fist fight with Bob Barker because he refused to have his dog neutered.
So Dr. Sher, your dreams of being on Idol have been dashed and your aspirations to blow up something American are now as promising as your ability to practice medicine but don't worry, someone will take your place. And I, Jeff Hicks, predict the next great terrorist will come from Iraq. After all, as Bobby Sands once said, Iraq is simply IRA with a Q on it.
Dr. Sher is a 28 year old, married father of three who has a great bedside manner, that is, unless you are an American, in which case you would be best served to reject any medication he prescribes. Now we Canadians shouldn't be surprised that there are terrorist doctors running around the country...after all, Dr Henry Morgentaler has been terrorizing unborn children for decades. And we gave this guy the Order of Canada, which is normally reserved for hockey players and anyone else not in the business of murder. South of the border there was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who terrorized the elderly........and lame dogs. Although they did send him to prison and withheld his medal. And lets not forgot Dr. Seuss, this guy terrorized my English papers for years. Oh how I wish I had never used "sneedle" and "humpf-humpf-a-dumpfer" in my master's dissertation. Curse that Dr. Seuss.
I digress and I apologize.
Getting back to Dr. Sher, the alleged terrorist. Currently authorities have not released what his target for terrorism was, although we do know what his original plan was. Evidently he auditioned for Canadian Idol (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/yahoocanada/100826/canada/ex__canadian_idol__contestant_detained_on_terrorism_charges) with the hopes of blowing up the shows host Ben Mulroney. For my American readers, Ben Mulroney is just like Ryan Seacreast, only taller and more annoying. , if that is possible. But it was not to be as Dr. Sher was ushered out of the audition after it was discovered he had a box cutter, a bomb in his shoe and a really bad moonwalk.
I was surprised to discover that this isn't the first time that terrorists have made run for a television spot. In my research for this blog I found out that Osama bin Laden, and I'm not making this up, once auditioned for Jeopardy in the late 80's. bin Laden would have made it to the show but he constantly refused to answer in the form of a question, which angered Alex Trebek who wouldn't let Osama advance. And lets not forgot the late Bobby Sands who is famous for his days in the IRA. He appeared, and I swear this is true, on The Price Is Right in the 70's and promptly got into a fist fight with Bob Barker because he refused to have his dog neutered.
So Dr. Sher, your dreams of being on Idol have been dashed and your aspirations to blow up something American are now as promising as your ability to practice medicine but don't worry, someone will take your place. And I, Jeff Hicks, predict the next great terrorist will come from Iraq. After all, as Bobby Sands once said, Iraq is simply IRA with a Q on it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Why Hillary Wanted Security At Chelsea's Wedding
I was left off the guest list for Chelsea Clinton's wedding...not that I was expecting one as I wasn't invited to her graduation either. And I'm in good company as both Barack Obama and Oprah were overlooked as well. Seriously Oprah was left out in the cold, she is only the second greatest liberal out there...behind George Clooney of course. So Oprah, Obama and I have something in common, although that is where the similarities end.
Curiosity got the better of me as I read about this wedding, for I am the father of five daughters and someday I will be in same position as Bill Clinton having to pay for his little girl's big day. So I did a little digging into the cost of the wedding and was overwhelmed quicker than a 30-something housewife at the latest Twilight theatrical release. The reported dollar amount for this wedding rises quicker than a Dalton McGuinty budget report...the latest figure is topping $5 million for Chelsea and Marc (was that who she married?) to say their "I do's" to each other.
You can't be serious? $5 million dollars! If I were to try and keep up with the Clintons, then I'm talking $25 million for my 5 girls, although that figure would be higher as inflation kicks in between daughters 1 - 5. I guess its time to cash out my retirement savings and invest in lottery tickets. If that doesn't work, and I don't know why it wouldn't, then I suppose ladders are cheap and we only live two hours from Niagara Falls. Hey, its closer than Vegas!
When one breaks down the wedding costs from the $600,000 tents to the $15,000 port-a-potty to the $150 per printed invitation, one can see that no detail was overlooked. Its reported that Hillary wanted to spend $200,000 on security at the wedding, and that was to just Bill away from the bridesmaids. It all adds up and its a day that is quickly approaching my family.
So I say to my little girls, you will have a beautiful wedding someday, just not Chelsea Clinton's wedding. And don't worry, Bill won't be invited so all the bridesmaids will be safe.
Curiosity got the better of me as I read about this wedding, for I am the father of five daughters and someday I will be in same position as Bill Clinton having to pay for his little girl's big day. So I did a little digging into the cost of the wedding and was overwhelmed quicker than a 30-something housewife at the latest Twilight theatrical release. The reported dollar amount for this wedding rises quicker than a Dalton McGuinty budget report...the latest figure is topping $5 million for Chelsea and Marc (was that who she married?) to say their "I do's" to each other.
You can't be serious? $5 million dollars! If I were to try and keep up with the Clintons, then I'm talking $25 million for my 5 girls, although that figure would be higher as inflation kicks in between daughters 1 - 5. I guess its time to cash out my retirement savings and invest in lottery tickets. If that doesn't work, and I don't know why it wouldn't, then I suppose ladders are cheap and we only live two hours from Niagara Falls. Hey, its closer than Vegas!
When one breaks down the wedding costs from the $600,000 tents to the $15,000 port-a-potty to the $150 per printed invitation, one can see that no detail was overlooked. Its reported that Hillary wanted to spend $200,000 on security at the wedding, and that was to just Bill away from the bridesmaids. It all adds up and its a day that is quickly approaching my family.
So I say to my little girls, you will have a beautiful wedding someday, just not Chelsea Clinton's wedding. And don't worry, Bill won't be invited so all the bridesmaids will be safe.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)